My Breasts are Beige Flowers

Not going to lie peoples, I am not exactly endowed in the chest. I can go bra-less. I can wear shirts down to my belly button and not show anything off. Let’s be honest, the main difference between me and an overweight tween boy is the vagina. (And suddenly, Michele realized she could never show off her blog to future employers.) Whatever, the bra-less thing is the best shit ever, as long as its not cold. I can run around all over the place without worrying! I don’t, strictly speaking, but that’s beside the point. The point is I can.

The problem is clothes. Tops, really. I have a big ass that I’m not going to talk about now, because this is a tit post, but it’s pretty big. Clothing designers are under this impression that big ass girls = big tit girls = big fat girls. Not that I’m denigrating the overweight, I am overweight, but I also have a small waist. I’m a pear, you see. So a lot of my dresses have a lot of room in the tit area. The clothing has to be pretty tight to stay up, and if its not…. well, my bralessness becomes a problem at that point.

So the solution is alterations! Seamstressy! (A male seamstress is a seamster. ~The More You Know~) Now I could put on the dress inside out, pin it to fit and then baste and sew until the dress is the right size. It’s a lot easier sometimes to just fake the mammaries.

When sticking band-aids over your nipples just won't cut it

Just sew in the cups and go! Pfft, who cares if I’m faking it. I’ve got brand new sewn in pockets in my chest! So I was looking into these on Joanns.com to see how much they cost, when I came across this:

Breast Petals: When you need to bloom

Look world, if you want to cheer me up about not having a job, you are succeeding.  I’m not sure I would feel more beautiful wearing these, and the big worry of the night would perpetually be whether or not they were going to fall off randomly. Then you end up with breast flowers all over the dance floor, and how on earth do you explain that to the person you’re dancing with? “Oh, those? I’ve been in the sun a lot and now I’m dropping boob seeds. Don’t look at me like that.”

I’m not really sure why these are on sale at Joanns and not in the department store underwear section, because one needle through those things and the silicone in them is gone. Then again, Joanns sells Ped-Eggs, and if there’s a sewing project that involves Ped-Eggs, I want no part in it.

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